Nobody tells you a regular afternoon

might turn into a disaster

Nobody tells you a disaster

might turn into a regular afternoon

Four years ago today

2:14 in the afternoon

I am laughing in a kitchen with a woman

I'm not sure I ever knew

I was there

I can see that I was there

And nothing in me

nothing in me

remembers being anywhere

Screenshot, 3:06, a mild conversation

I read the right side in a stranger's voice

she most definitely agrees with someone, line by line

so certain, so sure of every choice

sure hasn't lost a thing yet

not a word, not a face

not whole years without a trace

the vanilla is the worst, though

little pieces that once mattered enough

to share, to keep, to score

a door, a hall, eleven of the same sky

a receipt, a stranger's sleeve, a half-eaten meal

my body curled against my late dog's corpse

a mirror catching half of me

no idea what any of it was for

but I saved it carefully

I was there

I can see that I was there

And nothing in me

nothing in me

remembers being anywhere

Doomscrolling till the battery dies

(was I hoping to be her?)

forget the dinner, miss the dawn

never have I ever wanted anyone

the way I want that version gone

(the way I want her back)

sure answers before the question

sure never second-guessed if she belongs

sure never had to prove she was there

sure would never sing this song

which one was the impostor?

the one back then, or the one who came after?

(or what's left of her)

Spoken

2:14. A kitchen. Somebody's light.

Whispered

who was she

3:06. A cigarette and jeans.

Whispered

you don't even own them

9:40. A half-eaten meal.

Whispered

somebody sat across from you

11:58. A blur in the dark.

Whispered

you were almost asleep

2:14. 3:06. 9:40. 11:58.

Whispered

go back. go further back.

Real. Unclear. No. No.

Whispered

you weren't there. you were there.

(you weren't invited)

(everyone remembers except you)

ask her

(she is not going to answer)

(no one even asks you out anymore)

you did something

(what did you do)

(what did I do?)

don't

(i-still-remember-your-nails)

(they-had-such-a-weird-shape)

I was there, wasn't I?

I was there

even though my memory

can't find me anywhere

nothing in me

remembers to care

There is a whole night in there

where I felt something like alive

and nothing kept it

not even me

the only witness left

is cold and bright and small

it taught me keeping score

can still mean understanding nothing at all

Nobody tells you

a regular afternoon

can turn into a disaster

Nobody tells you

a disaster

can turn back

into a regular afternoon

I've been watching her through a square frame

the way you look at a woman on a train

She is wearing your coat

(She is carrying your face)

She gets off at your name

You almost follow

You almost call

but what would you say?

"I think you have my life."

"I think I gave it away."

keeping all of it made me look wise in advance

it was the one thing I did right

I just could never swear that I was present

on this day

doomscrolling